fahn..

Wed, 14 Nov 2001 04:52:31 GMT

"It's brilliant being depressed; you can behave as badly as you'd like." - Rob Gordon (High Fidelity)

just thought i'd share. and it's official... nick hornby has climbed his way to my top five authors list.

1. chuck palahniuk (fight club)
2. nick hornby (high fidelity)
3. mervyn peak (gormenghast trilogy)
4. micheal swanwick (iron dragon's daughter)
5. herman hesse (demian)

Mon, 12 Nov 2001 17:53:20 GMT

i'm getting my hair cut... and don't try to stop me.. i am perfectly ready and enthusiastic. i shall try to get something to take pictures with afterwards, but i make no promises. ... :P

Mon, 12 Nov 2001 06:56:22 GMT

people smile and tell me i'm a lucky one
and we've just begun
think i'm gonna have a son

it will be like she and me as free as a dove
come and see me love
the sun is gonna shine above

even though we aint got money
i'm so in love with you honey

everything'll bring a chain of lo-o-o-ve

in the mornin' when i rise
bring a tear of joy to my eyes
and tell me everythings gonna be alright

pices virgo rising
it's a very good sign
strong and kind
and a little boy of mine

now i see a memory where there once was none
and it's just begun
yeah we're gonna fly to the sun

even though we aint got money
i'm so in love with you honey

everything'll bring a chain of lo-o-o-ve

in the mornin' when i rise
bring a tear of joy to my eyes
and tell me everythings gonna be alright

love's the girl who holds the world in a paper cup
c'mon and drink it up!
love her and she'll bring you luck

if you can find she helps your mind
better take her home
don't you live alone
try to earn what lovers own

even though we aint got money
i'm so in love with you honey

everything'll bring a chain of lo-o-o-ve

in the mornin' when i rise
bring a tear of joy to my eyes
and tell me everythings gonna be alright

(i will not let the man get me down... i will be happy.. i've spent most of my life crying... NOT NOW! I refuse! Music shall keep me alive.)

Mon, 12 Nov 2001 05:50:59 GMT

i love "me first and the gimmie gimmies"!! all they do is cover old songs in punk style. i feel guilty hording it from forrest. he has kindly taken me under his wing as his punk protoge. i gladly let him. i've learned so much. though if i were a guy i would be praying his bad luck with women wouldn't rub off on me. poor loser. ::screams:: these are a few of my favorite things! fuck yes! this cd just keeps getting better and better!!

Sat, 10 Nov 2001 23:58:01 GMT

.... i just had a wretched, but - more likely than not - true, thought pop into my head.

*pop!* how ironic... that was also the sound of my pathetic little bubble bursting. >_<

does anyone even read either of my lj's? just a quick tally for my own state of mind. go ahead... reply... be honest... i want to know.

Sat, 10 Nov 2001 01:50:35 GMT

started reading "high fidelity" by nick hornby

i simply adore this book... but unfortunatly i can't devote all of my moments to it as i am reading three books simotaneously. "on the road" by jack kerouac and "perks of being a wallflower" by ? (don't feel like getting up to get the book) anywho... i love this book. no i worship this book. it is even better than i'd hoped. i'm off to read now.

Sat, 10 Nov 2001 01:41:43 GMT

www.colorgenics.com

Your colorgenic profile...

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings hoping, that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly .... far slower than you anticipated and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place ..... In spite of the fact that you feel like "giving up"...don't...Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression "All's well that ends well" will have an extra special meaning for you

For some time now it would seem that you are frustrated and emotionally inhibited. The circumstances which appear to be beyond your control are making it very difficult for you to develop a detached emotional attitude that you seek...

Whatever has caused the situation...you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord...you are like the tide,.. flotsam and jetsam...One minute you experience "highs" and a few moments later "lows". This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and it is the demanding attitude, the ideal state you desire, is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you...and you find it difficult to listen to, or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle, and you strive to ally yourself with others of similar tastes.

It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own makings simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial "you" is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities ... You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved, or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause

this really sums up a lot of what i've been feeling and thinking recently... you should try it.

Wed, 07 Nov 2001 15:07:10 GMT

i will soon be moving some of these ill fated entries from my lighter persona to my darker more devious one. not that anyone will notice they are gone, nor miss them for that matter. but what the fuck. just thought i'd say something for the sake of filling white void with damned words.

Sun, 04 Nov 2001 08:01:02 GMT

don't blame me for not bearing my soul... i have and will forever more

!here!

Sun, 04 Nov 2001 06:57:06 GMT

i am going to be more myself from now on... turning over a new leaf...

becoming misa

please.dont.make.me.stay.as.i.am
dont.hinder.my.metamorphisis.
change.with.me

...

Fri, 02 Nov 2001 18:18:12 GMT

self improvement is masturbation
chew on that for awhile

okie dokie artichokie

Fri, 02 Nov 2001 18:17:06 GMT

okay...
i'm just trying free writing here
see what comes up.

i'm not full of anything at the moment
in fact i am quite empty
though apathetic feels more the right word.

she told me i was white
i became a ghost .
he decided he liked roses
i was in bloom
my hair was too long for them
i cut it

what is one to do when they can't become anything but what is wanted of them

but i am myself of my own desires
only inside
it's trapped beneath my all-pleasing shell

fuck cliche words.
i can't seem to escape them
it seems as if everything has already been said.

so what good am i
changing to what others want
speaking with their words

i need to find a way to break free
to crack my shell

fuck, more cliches

i give up.

blah

Fri, 02 Nov 2001 18:09:03 GMT

tripping on cookie crumbs and making pencils bubble.

schyzophrenics talking to their voices on phones that aren't plugged in.

people stealing words and pretending it's their own.

fuck them.

(this has been a presentation of j. and fahn..)

Tue, 30 Oct 2001 14:25:34 GMT

her, "hi"
me, well just lots of useless crap..

i can't talk to her, and she doesn't seem to notice how much i want her to talk to me. it's painful.

i think i made a mistake by pretending to care about any of the others, i'm just to fucking screwed up that i want to be a part of their group instead of waiting to find my own...

but i'm not lying when i tell her how much her words mean to me, how much i feel her pain...

she doesn't know it though, and were she to read this entry she still would probably have no inclination i'm talking about her.

and don't even get me started on hippopotamus' dancing about with pink bows upon their heads!

look at me!... know what you see... you see a bad mother! Huh!

Mon, 22 Oct 2001 17:15:04 GMT

Aaron... my god...
burner of wonderful cd of punk songs...
well except for that ocean color scheme song
he got that from me, bloody fool!

m: "can i ask you a daft question?"
guy: "umm... okay."
m: "what should you call that piercing under your lip?"
guy: *cheesy, half-relieved smile* "a labre"
m: "okay... cause i mean it's not really a lip ring so i just had to know."
guy: "no problem"
suzanne: "did it hurt?" *tee hee*
guy: "no..." *turns to leave* "not as much as the nipple rings" *devious grin*
m: "i want him"

work...

Wed, 17 Oct 2001 04:24:28 GMT

ace...

red!

el fin

Sun, 14 Oct 2001 03:09:43 GMT

the bracelet he gave me broke...
my one link to him...
i want to cry...
i have no hope left...

digi...

Sat, 13 Oct 2001 17:25:23 GMT

i've gone digital this weekend...
captured a camera...
now at my disposal... (hah! get it... disposal!)

look at what i've done already..
joy
joy
joy (my middle name... no really)

i do not think it means... what i thought it meant

Fri, 12 Oct 2001 04:10:46 GMT

pos?ter?i?ty (p?-'ster-&-tE) n. 1. future generations. 2. all of a person's descendants. [middle english poseterite, from old french posterite, from latin posteritas, from postrus, next. see posterior]

okay so i wasn't quite sure what it really meant till now... but by some freak accident i had been using the damn thing correctly it would seem.

johnny the homicidal maniac...

Thu, 11 Oct 2001 18:25:29 GMT

(i think the title explains enough... well at least all the fuck you need to know!)

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO... UNPLEASANT?

"I don't know"

HONESTLY, IT'S SO DIFFICULT TO TRULY CARE ABOUT SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT, FIRST, KNOWING THE ANSWERS TO SOME OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL, MIND RAVAGING QUESTIONS! HOW CAN ONE POSSIBLY RESPECT THE EXSISTENCE OF SOMETHING, PEOPLE IN THIS CASE, WHEN THAT SOMETHING SEEMS TO DEFY RESPECT? THEY DO SUCH TRIVIAL THINGS AND FIND AMUSEMENT, EVEN UP TO "SO-CALLED" MATURITY, IN THE INCESSANT MISTREATMENT OF THEIR OWN KIND.

"That's a very general statement. Not all people are the way you describe them to be."

HMM.. YES, BUT KEEP IN MIND; IT'S POSSIBLE THAT I'M QUITE HORRENDOUSLY INSANE. THAT'S THE FUCK OF IT; YOU KNOW, THE OLD THING ABOUT THE CRAZY PERSON WHO NEVER KNOWS THEY'RE CRAZY. IT COULD JUST BE AN IMPERCEPTIBLE SHIFTING OF ACCEPTED REALITIES. IT'S ALL REALLY INTERESTING.

"Yes.. yes it is. But I dont' suppose that your, um, current reality would allow you to let me go would it?"

NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

"I see, well, could you, at least, loosen these restraints some? This hurts quite a bit. Very painful."

THINK OF THE SENSATION AS REASSURANCE THAT YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET. WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS LIFE IN YOU! I WOULD HATE TO LESSEN THAT FOR YOU. I WILL TAKE YOU FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER. I WOULD NEVER DEPRIVE YOU OF THIS; YOUR FINAL AWARENESS.

"That's very nice of you. Could you tell me what it was, exactly, that I did to you? What I said? I mean, up until I awoke here, I've never met you. It's on of those nagging questions a person gets before being torn apart by, um, whatever this thing is."

MMM.. WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU KNOW I CAN'T REALLY SAY. NOTHING, I GUESS. BUT YOU ARE A PERSON, AND I CAN'T SAY I'M FOND OF THAT. MY DAYS ARE LESS THAN ENJOYABLE BECAUSE OF PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE THE EFFIGY I BURN, INFUSED WITH ALL THE TRAITS THAT MAKE THEM THE DETESTABLE LITTLE GOBLINS THEY ARE. YOU WON'T REALLY BURN, THOUGH: RIPPED TO STRIPS IS MORE ACCURATE.

"But you're a person. Why do you kill yourself?"

TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT SELF LOATHING IS, BUT TO kill MYSELF? THAT WOULD PUT A DAMPER ON MY SEARCH FOR ANSWERS. NOT AT ALL PRODUCTIVE. BESIDES, I'VE BECOME INCREASINGLY DOUBTFUL AS TO WHETHER OR NOT I CAN DIE AT ALL. BUT LET'S NOT GO INTO THAT.